Conductor Seeks Pro Orchestra

Via Helen Hou, I got word of this hilarious ad on Dallas Craigslist, reprinted in full below:

Where all the ORCHESTRAZ at??? (DFW)

What is up Dallas I am a classical orchestra conducter looking to conduct a GIGGING orchestra. No startups, I don't care how rehearsed you are. Not looking to make it big, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, just looking for a well trained professional orchestra that wants to jam on the weekends maybe play a few open mics or operas once in a while. NO ORIGINALS, just looking for covers. You know, Brahams, Mozart, Beethoven, maybe a little Rachmaninov for kicks. I can conduct the sh*t out of those! I have been conducting since I was 12. I have conducted the London Symphony Orchestra, the New York Philharmonic, The Philidelphia Opera Company, to name a few. Like I said, not looking to make it big again, but still want to work with PRO players with PRO attitudes. I have connections with the Myerson, and can get us booked there no problem. I have pro attitude and pro gear and pro transportation. My gear includes:

Newland Custom "Silhouette" Conductor's Baton
Mollard Lanico 12" Baton
Mollard Lanico 14" GOLD series Baton
Manhasset M48 Symphony Music Stand (with podium light mod)
Perry Ellis Italian wool Tuxedo- regular Dinner Jacket or TAILS!
Patent Leather Shoes

YOU- Must have pro gear, tuxedos, shoes, 420 friendly, Hit me up and send me a sample of your orchestra-ing. I don't care if it's just a crappy demo your orchestra recorded in the garage. I'll know if it's good or not, and I'll know if I can conduct the sh*t out of you!!!!!!!!